How to Drive Your Children Crazy (please do!)

The process for driving your children crazy is really very simple. All you have to do is be a parent.

Of course this might be a little too simplistic for some to appreciate, so I will elaborate. Here are easy steps you can follow:

First the child you want to antagonize must have reached the age of two or begun to develop a mind of their own. At the first indication that they are going to hurt themselves or someone else, tell them, “no,” or stop them from doing what they intend. This is all you have to do. It doesn’t matter that they would have drowned, or been run over by a car, or decapitated the cat. They will not see things from your point of view, so you might as well accept that you have just succeeded with minimal effort to begin to drive your child crazy. They will be sure that this is your goal for the next sixteen years. I will warn you that there might be what some would call golden years of reprieve, while your child age 4 to 8 will think you are pretty amazing and this might outweigh the fact that you are trying to drive them crazy.

The second major step to annoying your child can begin when your child reaches the ‘not fair’ stage. This usually happens when they are between the ages of 8 and 10. This is when you can wrap your child around the axle by telling her, “Trust me, it IS fair that your brother who is 16 can drive the family car and you cannot”; or “the baby isn’t a candidate yet for taking out the trash.” And if for some reason these kind of unreasonable observations don’t work or you really want to zing them, tell them, “Let me tell you what’s not fair – What’s not fair is that you are tampering with my evil plan to make you utterly miserable for the rest of your life!”

The third and probably most potent way to drive your child crazy, is for them to turn 13 or 14 (when the hormones kick in). That’s it! You don’t have to do anything else at all at this stage in your child’s life. You can just set ‘driving your child crazy’ on auto-pilot. Okay, I take it back – there is more you can do. You can smile at them or sing to them in the morning before they are fully awake. Even at this stage, again, I must warn you that you may experience failure despite all your efforts, especially if your children for whatever duration or reason, becomes convinced that you really do love them, even if they don’t believe that you know what you’re talking about.

Another warning is that once your children have their own children, the secret will be out, and all your efforts will appear for what they were. Of course you can still drive your children crazy then by indicating in any way you’d like to see more of them and your grand-children.

This really is all there is to it. As you can see, it is not at all hard to drive your children crazy. I just wish more people would!

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